The 7 Worst Goatee Styles for Men

Posted by John Melizanis on

The 7 Worst Goatee Styles for Men

The 7 Worst Goatee Styles for Men

Greetings, howdy, and shalom my fellow bearded brethren. 

Last time I addressed the community I discussed the rather dry topic of how sleep can lead to a better beard

While I assumed that would be my final submission - you have all made it rather clear that the world wouldn’t be the same if I were to stop bestowing my beard related advice upon you. 

For the select few of you who would rather eat glass than read another one of my articles - I shall insist you give me one last opportunity, for a wise man once said: “third time should be the charm, and if it is not well than f*ck it do something else” (-high school woodshop teacher). 

If you have chosen to continue reading, you not only have a high IQ, but you also have a great taste in the literature you choose to consume. 

While sleep and vitamins (the two topics I touched on before) make for an interesting read, most people are hesitant to change up their habits regarding the latter topics. 

That's why this week I have decided to stray away from all the Scientific bull Sh*t and instead focus on one of the many ways of styling your facial hair. 

Today I will discuss the different styles of goatees’… namely the styles you should avoid (and yes there is more than one style).

Whether or not you like the goatee style, at one point or another, all men blessed by the facial hair gods end up playing around with the goatee look (don’t lie…we know you have). 

So if you are considering trimming up that crumb catcher or the goatee style you are currently rocking isn’t working out, this may be the best thing you read all day. 

Below I have showcased the 7 worst goatee styles… give them a look and hopefully, we can prevent you from making a huge mistake. (I ordered them from best to worse)

7. The Landing Strip (French Tickler)

The landing strip, more commonly known as the french tickler, has been the go-to for those just beginning their facial hair journey for as long as anyone can remember. 

You typically see this style worn by the injured kid on the high school wrestling team or by that douchey “intellectual” who always hangs out at the local coffee shop. 

All in all, I would recommend steering clear of this style.


6. The Philly Fuzz

This is perhaps my least favorite style, yet I see it often. 

When I see a poor soul repping this lookout in the wild, a sudden urge comes over me, and I have to restrain myself from asking why the individual continues to grow such a monstrosity. 

Anyone who wears this style has recently been fired and truly does not care how they look anymore. 

Please do not grow one of these out. 


5. The Cousin Jamie

Though this is perhaps the ugliest style you will be shown here.

It is also one of the most respectable - the MAN with this goatee knows he looks like sh*t yet he refuses to shave off the 15 hairs he’s been growing for three years.

This look takes steadfast dedication and a mindset capable of blocking out the “haters”.

The guy that wears this is more than likely trying to compensate for a feminine name by showing the world that he can grow even the slightest amount of facial hair.

Even though it may be respectable to grow out this style - you should not.

Thin Goatee - Beards Styles

4. The Daytona 400

The guy that reps this unique look is more than likely stoned out of his mind as we speak.

This guy is cool and collected and always has gum, yet he gives off a very weird odor.

Everyone knows this guy, yet nobody REALLY knows him.

This guy adds your girlfriend on Facebook and likes all of her pictures.

Avoid this style.


3. The Wombat

If you see this guy approaching you on the street you best get out of his way.

The guy that grows this seriously concerning goatee was more than likely dishonorably discharged from the army and definitely owns an old motorcycle with a rust problem.

This man spends his days drinking malt liquor and smoking black and milds while working on cars that will never work again in his backyard.

Grow this style out if you want people to fear and or avoid you. 

Captain Jack Sparrow Facial Hair

2. The Off-Brand

Anyone who styles their facial hair like this is a huge snake.

You can catch this man sliding in your girl's messages or chatting her up at the bar while you're taking a leak.

This man, who goes out of his way to look like a bond villain, will screw you over whenever he gets the chance.

Avoid this style at all costs unless you are plotting to rob a bank or sleep with your buddy's wife.

70 Trendiest Beard Styles for Black Men (2020 Guide) – Beard Style

1. The Soul Patch (Viewer Discretion Advised)

It’s almost impossible to write about this style because even the mere thought of it makes me want to vomit.

I'm sorry but if you have this on your face, you suck.

The criminal who wears this style is more than likely middle-aged and recently divorced.

He claims to be the king of the barbecue, yet he undercooks the chicken and overcooks the steaks.

This man spends his days retelling the story of how he got third place in the regional tennis tournament back in high school.

He prefers cider to beer.

For the love of God, do not be this guy.


If you didn't laugh reading this..... then someone better check if you're breathing.

I hope you understand that after reading this amazing piece of literature that you should be growing a BEARD not one of these patches on hair. 

Be well Brothers, until next time! 

1 comment

  • The goatee was long ago renamed to be the Got-T-go.

    Leslie on

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