5 Best Goatee Styles For Men

Posted by John Melizanis on

5 Best Goatee Styles For Men

5 Best Goatee Styles For Men 

Hello, hola, and howdy you beautiful bearded creatures.

The last time I addressed this glorious community I sailed the uncharted waters of the bearded literature.

Never before had someone discussed the certain configurations of facial hair that a man should avoid. While the backlash was severe to say the least, I am still standing.

They say the bigger you are the harder you fall - well it’s a good thing I’m short because today I am back with another article. 

Last time, against the wishes of my editor, I discussed the 7 goatee styles a man should avoid, thus it would only make sense that today I provide you with the direct inverse.

Goatees, or the blue collar jockstrap (as my grandfather refers to them), when worn incorrectly carry with them significant side effects. 

These include, but are not limited to: your wife leaving you; random people putting spare change in your coffee cup thinking you’re a beggar, and child protective services taking custody of your kids.

HOWEVER, when worn correctly you shouldn’t be surprised if you… 

  1. get promoted 
  2. get mistaken for Brad Pitt 
  3. constantly have woman buying you drinks at the bar 

It is obvious, as I have clarified above, that a good goatee can yield life changing results.

Mahatma Gandhi once said “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony,” or in other words, when you have a sweet goatee your life is f*cking awesome.

Below, going from great - to jaw droppingly awesome, I, the doctor of beards, have outlined the five best goatee styles that will help you achieve a richer life.

5. The “How you doin?” Horseshoe  


The slick legend that sports this stylish extended stash more than likely drives a 69 Chevy with your girl in the passenger seat.

He works a respectable blue collar job in the grain industry and lives on a nice plot of land where he breeds cattle and tends to the chickens in his spare time.

His hefty nicotine addiction and love for the post work six-pack recently landed him his second divorce.

His friends admire him and the ladies love him.

I would definitely recommend this style.

4: The Gettysburg Addresser 


While the no mustache chin puff is an ambitious look to say the least, it brings with it a significant amount of character.

This man has friends in low and high places, and contributes to his squad the immeasurable humor that brings people together.

He is the best wing man to ever walk this earth even though he’s deep into a 4 year relationship.

He refuses to consume a light beer and it shows - but not in a bad way.

This man will have your back till the end of time and I highly recommend this style.

3: The Widow Maker 


The king who sports this style is referred to as the ladies man of the group.

This All American high school athlete was the king of the town and still is, yet he never brags.

Honest, albeit sometimes to a fault, this man speaks the truth and only the truth.

He is the type of guy to tip the cashier and buy a round of drinks for the group, no questions asked.

He has two dogs as loyal as him and an on and off again girlfriend who his friends all hate.

You should be proud if you rep this style.

2: The Panty Raider 

This unique style shows ambidexterity and the ability to multitask due the goatee hybrid nature.

Usually seen wearing the same sun stained hat he’s worn for years, you can catch this man chatting up every single girl at the bar and getting them to buy him drinks.

His lifted dodge diesel speaks to his character, yet the stereotype does not ring true (you know what I mean).

This man never loses a drinking game and can put back a 16 ounce beer in under 2 seconds.

He drinks Dos Equis beer and claims to be the most interesting man in the world, and honestly he might be.

10/10 would recommend this style.

1: The Roll Tide Randel 


This man spends his free time in the backyard soaking up the Sun and avoiding his wife.

You will most likely catch him by the grill wearing an apron that boldly states “one steak = 2 tits.”

He’s a simple man that came from near nothing, and he lives life to the fullest, whatever that may mean to him.

His prized possession is his 1969 ford bronco and when he’s not in the back yard he’s more than likely traversing the back roads.

He’s a windows down cigarette in one hand, steering wheel in the other type of guy.

He’s a great friend, but you best not cross him.

I recommend this style above all else. 


Well there you have it - the best goatee styles currently on the market.

If you are considering, or better yet, are currently rocking one of these styles, you are a god amongst men and have a superior taste regarding the facial hair genre.

I encourage you to seriously consider these options and enjoy the benefits that come with them. 


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